Title: I Know He's Evil
Author: Ophelia
Posted: 04-11-2002
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Oh, nothing here is mine, even the opinions expressed within.
Notes: 1) Alright, this story officially makes me a fan ficition whore. I have now sold my services in return for *ahem* something of value. There's no law against prostitution of the written word on this board is there? (Penny? Em?)......
2) This is pretty much a delux version of a conversation fic (meaning there's more than dialogue but not much of a plot...and if you aren't familiar with season two at all, you might get confused.).
Dedication: Angela, baby, this is for you!
Walking over to the chair that Angel sat buried in with his newspaper, Cordelia unceremoniously swiped his feet off the ottoman before sitting down.
“Angel, I’ve been thinking.”
He grinned slightly as he slowly flipped over to the Sports section. “The four scariest words I can think of.”
Rolling her eyes she continued, “So here’s what I want to know--Why do all our ‘villains’ suck?”
At that, he lowered his paper to look at her, “What”
Her fingers coming up in airquotes, Cordelia slowed her voice down to half speed, “Our ‘Villains’, Angel, they ‘Suck’!”
“Cordelia, are you talking about Wolfram and Hart?”
A slight shrug was the only confirmation he received. Flipping the newspaper back up, he sighed, “Cordy, just how bored are you?”
Annoyed at the newsprint barrier between them once again, she decided it was time to break out the big guns.
“Perhaps I should phrase this another way….I miss Lindsay!”
The newpaper hit the floor.
“You what?”
Cordelia had the grace to flinch a little under Angel’s glare, and this time her statement came out as more of a question. “Uh, I miss Lindsay?”
Sitting up slightly, Angel put his elbows on his knees and brought his face closer to hers--just in case she’d missed the outraged look on his face.
“Cordelia! He tried to kill you!” And then he mimicked her air quotes, “ He was ‘evil’!”
She primly picked at an invisible piece of lint on her skirt, “Well, to be fair, Angel, the same could have been said about you at one point in my life.”
Angel’s jaw dropped, but no sound emerged. Realizing she’d committed a tactical error by comparing Angel to Lindsay (Lord save me from a clash of those egos, she thought)…Cordelia began to speak more quickly.
“I just mean have you really taken a look at the dull-duo we’ve been dealing with lately?”
Seeing that Angel still seemed unable to formulate words, she pushed the silence to her advantage.
“Ok, to start with, let’s take a look at Gavin Park. Don’t get me wrong, the man can dress…but someone needs to clue him in! Paperwork is not scary! Not to mention the fact that there’s no follow through with him! He starts one thing, but then just goes and lets Lilah ruin it…and speaking of Lilah. What’s her deal? Is she conflicted, is she not conflicted? She goes and breaks Billy out but then shoots him, only she doesn’t want us to think she meant it ‘in a good way’.”
Cordelia stopped long enough to take a breath and punctuate her monologue with a role of her eyes.
“And the whole femme fatale routine….please! I know some guys fall for that…” with that her eyes seemed to narrow at Angel a bit, “…but it’s just getting ridiculous. She lusts after you, she hates you. She lusts after you, she hates you. Pick a hormone already, and go with it!”
Angel’s jaw twitched in what looked like a repressed smile. Cordelia’s jealousy was thinly veiled at this point. She reached out to squeeze his knee as she took a deep breath.
“All I’m saying is this: at least Lindsay had a little imagination! A little passion! He didn’t look perpetually bored like the rest of them. Sure he played it cool, but you just knew there was all that passion just simmering underneath there….”
Angel’s jaw twitched again, but for entirely different reasons….suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot. His voice came out deceptively calm.
“Cordelia, what you call passion might be called homicidal rage by some people.”
Hers eyes took on a faraway look, “Angel, I know he was evil, but his singing…it was just….”
Angel’s brow rose skeptically at the rapturous look on Cordelia’s face as the memory of Lindsay’s Caritas performance swept over her.
“He wasn’t that good! What is wrong with you people? He couldn’t even pick a style!”
Cordelia shook her head, “My point is that he was classy, Angel. Classy and Evil, true…but the man had style! He had flare! And for the love of pete, did he have some big blue eyes….”
Angel was unable to control his irritation any longer. Standing up abruptly, he walked towards the counter, “What brought on all this nostalgia for that idiot anyway?”
Mostly ignoring Angel’s grumble, Cordelia followed him towards the offices with a smirk. “And you wanna know what the best thing about Lindsay was, Angel?”
A loud “NO” came from his direction.
Walking over to Fred’s desk, Cordelia picked up a newspaper clipping. Ignoring Angel’s tone, she continued with her musings, “The thing that really made him classy? He knew when to walk away.”
More mutterings floated her way, “Yeah, after stealing some guy’s hand and killing I don’t know how many people, and running me over with his truck…”
Her voice took on an amused tone, “You know, I bet he would be the bad boy fantasy of many a girl out there….”
Angel continued to glare at her, “Apparently you would know….”
But she continued, “…I can just see it now. Lindsay (shirtless, of course) falls desperately in love with a school teacher in a small town in Texas.”
Her grin only grew as his annoyance turned into disbelief.
“It’s the stuff romance novels are made of, you know. Small town girl with a heart of gold reforms unbelievably hot bad boy with a past he’d like to forget…”
All of Angel’s frustration and anger faded into abject confusion. “Cordelia, what the hell are you talking about? What made you start this insane rambling? Oh, and for the record, I think Lindsay went to Oklahoma, not Texas….not that there’s much of a difference.”
Seeing that her afternoon’s amusement was nearing its culmination, she walked over to him and handed him the newspaper clipping she had stolen from Fred’s desk. Slapping it against his chest, she turned and walked quietly back to the counter. Crossing her arms and watching him, she waited.
With the sigh of a much-abused man, Angel looked down at the scrap of paper in his hand. His utter confusion only grew, and he started to be genuinely worried for Cordelia’s sanity.
“A recipe for homemade stain remover?”
Nodding, Cordelia smiled. ‘Yeah, Fred’s Mom sent it to her. It’s from their local newspaper.”
He continued to look at her blankly, and Cordelia couldn’t help but laugh. “Turn it over”.
As he turned it over, Cordelia slowly began to walk towards the stairs, but she heard him still mumbling after her.
“Ok, so this is half of an wedding announcement….what’s the big deal about…..Cordy!”
Half way up the stairs, Cordelia turned around and blinked at him prettily, “Yeeessss?”
“Lindsay got married?”
End Notes: Ok, ok...this story couldn't have been more inconsequential if I tried...but for those of you who wondered, my assignment was to write a story that included the phrase ""Lindsey (shirtless of course) fell desperately in love with a school teacher in a small town in Texas." LOL So I did the best I could......