So I ended up tapping the cheese for the first ep.
I'm not a bad person. not really. Here's what it showed me.
Ok, you got your previously on Buffy shots going
through most of season six, ending with Buffy and Dawn in the hole, Buffy
telling Dawn she wants to show her the world, then the two of them crawling out
into the sunlight. Then we get a shot of Giles lying on the floor of the magic
shop with Anya telling her about infusing Willow with good magic. Then a shot of
Xander catching a collapsing Willow and hugging her as she cries. Then a shot of
Andrew and Jonathon in the semi on the way to Mexico. Then we get the last scene
with the demon telling Spike he'll return his soul and touching his chest, the
whole glowing bit happening.
Buffy and Dawn are standing in front of a desk in
an office supply store. As the camera moves in we see that they are staring
blankly at a large Globe, the continents raised, the United States a nice yellow
color. Buffy reaches out and gives it a gentle spin.
Dawn: Um... I hate to tell you this, Buffy, but
we kinda have these all over the school.
Buffy: Baby steps, Dawn, Baby steps.
Jonathon's face. He looks nervous. There is a blue glow highlighting his lefts side. He has a blanket clutched close to his neck and a tv remote in his right hand. We see the TV and it is a camping scene, one of the Canteen Boy skits with Adam Sandler and Alec Baldwin. We see the tail end as the scout leader keeps pulling canteen boy against him in front of the fire. We cut back to Jonathon's face and he glances to the left. The camera moves back and we see he's in a kingsized bed in a hotel room, Andrew asleep beside him. At least, he looks asleep. Jonathon hazards another glance and then scoots away so he's hanging on the edge of the bed.
Jonathon: Next time I'm springing the extra five
bucks for the two beds.
Willow in front of a peeling fence. There is a matronly woman(turns out her name's Bell) on one side of her and Giles on the other.
Bell: Now, remember, up down, not side to side.
Long, steady strokes.
(Willow nods and Bell walks off)
Willow: Uh, Giles, I know I have a lot to make up
for, but how is helping create the perfect Japanese tea garden for Mrs. Miyagi
over there gogint to teach me the proper use of magic?
Spike throwing open the door to a confessional and slinging himself in. He sighs quickly and turns toward the screened portion.
Spike: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been, oh, nearly twenty minutes since my last confession. I-
priest: Son,(chuckles softly) God loves the
repentant, but you really don't need to confess that often.
Spike: 's not that often. I never finished.
Priest at Chapel of the holy cross, or the siters of the uptight bakesale, or
bugger, I don't remember what it was called, well he kicked me out. Said he
didn't want to hear anymore. Way I see it, I've got three hundred churches
between here and the boat I'm supposed to catch. if everyone of you blokes gives
me the same amount of time, I can probably be done with this somewhere around
Camera opens on Xander waving goodbye to Buffy
and Dawn, he's standing on Buffy's front porch as they back out of the drive
Dawn: (leaning out the window) We'll bring you
back a Mickey Mouse hat!
Xander: Please don't. And have fun.
As soon as they are out of sight he sighs and his
shoulders slump a little.
Clem sitting on a bench outside of Spike's crypt. He looks depressed and is staring at a letter that hangs limply from his hands. The camera cuts to Anya and Hallfrek crouched behind the crypt. They are dressed in Angel and Devil Halloween costumes, respectively.
Anya: Wait for it.
Hallfrek: This'll be good.
Anya: Buffy says you shoudl see the way he jumps
when just open the crypt door.
cut back to Clem.
Clem: I should just tell them. I should just do
it. Say I never want to hear from them again. It's not like it's ever a pleasant
experience. I should do it. Shouldn't I?
(Hallfrek appears out of thin air on his left,
tight Devil costume accentuating all the right places)
Hallie: You should.
(He doesn't respond. He's too mopey)
Hallie: I said, you should.
(Anya appears on his right)
Anya: Don't do it, Clem. Whatever she-... I said,
don't do it Clem... I said-
Hallie: It's no use Anyanka. He's not there. He
didn't even flinch.
Anya: What a waste. Maybe we should try it on
Xander. Stop touching yourself, do you want to go blind?
Hallie: Do you think he's ok?
Anya: He seems fine. Every few days, it's: Anya,
I'm sorry for tearing you heart in two, please give me another chance, I realize
how stupid I was not that I'm alone in the bed-
Hallie: Not Xander. *Him*
Anya: Who, Clem? I don't know. (rests her hand on
Clem's shoulder) Hey, Clem? Clem? You ok?
Clem: Nothing is ever good enough.
Anya: Exactly! As soon as the sex is over it's
back to bad demon this, bad demon that. Hello! I'm human now, you can shut up.
Or Human then, but-
Clem: Ever since my larval stage, everything I do
is wrong. Would you look at that? He won't touch his kitten stew. I slaved over
a hot stove for hours just to make that speacial for you, and your room! And
just look at those flaps. You call those wrinkles? I've seen human babies with
Anya: Oh, we're not talking about Xander here,
Clem: And as soon as I was old enough to read I
was too stupid. Might as well be a henchman, Clement. You'll never amount to
anything, with that attitude, you man. You're too jumpy. Why don't you ever
order any of the other boys around. You couldn't bring a human home for dinner
every once in a while?
Hallie: Your parents? (she sits down next to him)
Clem: Now I'm all grown up and out of the house,
and still... Living in someone elses crypt, Clement? Trapped in a house full of
tasty humans, not to mention a slayer, and you play poker? And you're nice to
them. You're not my son. You're dead to me... I just want them to stop. I'm dead
to them, so why do they keep after me? I wonder if I could get emancipated...
no, have to be human for that. Hmm...
Hallie: If there's anything I can do. Don't
hesitate to ask. Is there anything? Anything at all that might make you feel
Anya: Give them boils? A painful rash? Join them
at the hip like siamese twins.
Clem: (Looks at Hallie) you're nice. And pretty.
Hallie: Thank you. And I want to help. Just tell
Hallfrek what would make it all better.
Clem: I wish I could see you naked. Oh! (clapping
hands over his mouth, mortified.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been in Spike's
crypt too long. And then his cable went out, and all I've had to watch is his
video collection, and that would turn anyone into...
Hallie: It's ok, I wouldn't grant it anyway, it's
not a justice-
Anya: Actually I think you'd have to.
Hallie: Anyanka, that's not the kind of wishes we
Anya: No, but you did initiate, and he did wish,
and that is what he wished. I think you have to.
Hallie: Are you insane? I'm not granting that
Clem: It's ok, really, I-
Anya: Those are the rules, Hallie. You ask, he
wishes, you grant.
Hallie: You're being absurd.
Clem: I dond't mean to-
Anya: Those are the rules.
Hallie: (eyes narrowing) Fine. But I'm not going
to be the only one standing here uncomfortable... Done.
We see a shot from the shoulders up, they are all
Anya: Not exactly, but...
Hallie: (Turning to Clem) Happy? Happy now that
(Her eyes trail downward) You... oh... oh my!
Anya: What? (She looks down where Hallie is
Clem: What? (He looks down too) Oh, that.
Anya: Oh... Wow.
Clem: Yeah... uh... Don't tell Spike, ok? He
likes to think he's the big bad around here.
Anya: Oh, sure, mum's the word.
Hallie: More like Mmm-Hmmms The word.
Anya: Come again? (She catches the look on
Hallfreks face as she runs her eyes back up Clem's body, her eyebrows raised).
Oh. Maybe I should leave you two alone. (She teleports away)
Clem: So... (A little uncertain)
Hallie: So... (A little seductive)
Cut to that night:
Spike Pulls the Bike up to the side of the crypt
and kills the engine. He looks bone weary and he stumbles up to the crypt door,
shouldering it open and making his way inside. He scuffs his feet across the
floor and down to the lower level where he climbs into bed without looking
around. He closes his eyes and mumbles home sweet home. There is a pause of a
few seconds and then his eyes pop open again and he slowly lifts the sheet and
looks under it.
Spike: (Leaping out of the bed) Sweet Bloody-!
That's my bed!
Clem: (Sleepy) Huh?
Spike: My bed! My bed! I haven't even done that
in my bed, what are you..? And my socks! Why do you have my socks on... Oh...
oh... (Dropping to sit on the steps, head in hands, mumbling now) I hate this
(They start to slide out from under the covers)
Spike: No! Don't get out of bed. I- I think I've
seen enough. In fact, I'm just going to go now, and be... not here. You just...
carry on... Sleeping! Carry on sleeping!
(he runs up the steps and out side where he hops
on his bike and takes off)
Cut to Spike pacing outside of Buffy's house:
Spike: See , it's like this, Slayer. Got myself a
soul. Yeah, I'm good now. Pure...and... and... I didn't mean to tell you this
soon, wanted to sleep first, but Clem and that crazy wishing demon bird were in
my bed and... right, right, beck to the soul thing. So, uh... It's just that
it's my bed! I sleep there! Well, I can't anymore. not after I've seen... No.
Not after... Can I sleep here? No. Nevermind. Forget I asked. It's just... (He
pauses and studies the house. There is strange music coming from inside that
sounds a lot like Barbara Streisand. He tilts his head to the side and creeps up
to the front door. he checks the doorknob and it's unlocked.) You even in there,
Slayer? (he shrugs and slowly pushes the door open) I'm only goin' inside
because I need a place to sleep. And I'm not knocking because... well...
because... (He steps inside and tipstoes across the kitchen floor to the stairs.
On the arm of the couch he sees the cassette box for the Mel Gibson movie, What
Women Want.) Because I'm an idiot, and I want to see you for that one perfect
moment before the yelling starts. (He heads up the stairs and down the hall. The
music is coming from the bathroom. Cursing himself for being an idiot again he
pushes the door open. Standing bent over in the middle of the bathroom is a
person in a green robe with a shower cap on. The coor bumps the person's hell
and the person spins around, flinging arms out into a bad karate pose. The
person is Wearing a pink mudmask, has wax on his legs and a variety of
aromatherapy candles lit)
Xander: Uh... It's not what it looks like.
(Spike just quirks an eyebrow)
Ok, enough for now. I think I've regained a bit
of my self control. No more spoilers for me.