It recaps what happens in villains(or what we
know of in the Wildfeed) so I've included that bit to help make it less
Spike is in the dark caves looking starved and
Demon: You seek me, vampire?
Spike: You do finger paintings? Nice work.
Demon: Answer me!
Spike: Yeah, I seek you.
Demon:Something about a woman... the slayer.
Spike: Ever since I got this bleedin' chip in my head things ain't been right. Everything's gone to hell.
Demon: And you want to return to your former self.
Demon: Look what she's reduced you to.
Spike: It's this chip.
Demon: You were a legendary dark warrior and you let yourself be castrated. And you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
Spike: I'm still a warrior.
Demon: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon.
Spike: I'll show you pathetic. Gimme your best shot.
Demon: You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.
Spike: Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for.......That bitch is gonna see a change.
The demon seems to think about this for a minute.
Then looks at Spike and shrugs.
Demon: ok... Heads or tails?
Spike: uh...Come again?
Demon: Heads or tails? Look, it's a bicentennial coin. Got it off a Spernak demon that wanted his wife back.
Spike: This is the grand trial I'm not going to survive?
Demon: You'd be suprised how hard it is to win a coin toss. Plus, really... warriors, coming to take a test to get a wish? Give 'em a physical or mental challenge, and they end up with about 65/30 odds. Here it's fifty fifty. Terrifying isn't it?
Spike: I can't believe I treked across a desert for this.
Demon: Fine. You don't want your wish? I had Jiffy Pop cooking.
Spike: Hold on, now. not so hasty. Heads or tails, I win I get what I want?
Demon: Now you're getting it.
Demon: Tails it is. What do you want?
Spike: I already told you. i want to be what I was before.
Demon: Before what?
Spike: Before this.
Demon: Fair enough. Let's see, before this, you were calling heads or tails, so uh... heads, or tails?
Spike: No, I mean before *This*!
Demon: Not sure I follow you.
Spike: I don't want to be what I am now.
Demon: A vampire.
Demon: So you don't want to be a vampire.
Spike: No. I don't want to be this pathetic nothing I've become since I got this chip in my head.
Demon: So you want to be what you were before you got the chip in you head.
Demon: How long?
Spike: How long what?
Demon: How long before you got the chip in your head?
Spike: Does it matter.
Demon: Not to me, but technically, you were human *before* you got the chip in your head. Or you could be sperm, or lusty thoughts in an English gentlenman's head, or...
Spike: A few days before.
Demon: So you want to be a lovesick whipped vampire who'll do anything for a girl that doesn't love him, and who can't kill the slayer that's taunting him.
Spike: No! I want to be the dark warrior.
Demon: But you weren't the dark warrior a few days before you got the chip in your head.
Spike: Fine. A year then.
Demon: So you want to be a lovesick vampire who'll do anything for a woman who doesn't want him, and who can't kill the slayer that's taunting him.
Spike: Ahh! No! Two years then.
Demon: So you want to be a lovesick vampire who'll do anything for a girl who doesn't want him anymore and this time you get to be in a wheelchair.
Spike: You are missing the point!
Demon: No, I'm just recognizing a pattern.
Spike: Alright. I want to be what i was when I killed my first slayer.
Demon: Angelus's Bitch?
Spike: Oh, you're gonna be *my* bitch if you don't stop twisting my words.
Demon: Then what is it you want?
Spike: I want to be the killer I was. I want to be Spike again.
Spike: That's it!
He vamps out, and in a nice immitation of the
taco bell chihuaha says, "Here lizard, lizard, lizard... Come and- Wait!
I've got it!"
Spike: Wait a minute! I've got it!
Demon: Got what?
Spike: I want you to make me what Buffy sees when she looks at me.
Demon: Come again?
Spike: When Buffy looks at me. I want to be the thing she sees when she looks at me.
Demon: You're sure about this?
Spike: Oh, yeah. When she looks at me she sees this frightening, souless evil thing. Yeah, make me what Buffy sees.
Demon: Alright, but all sales are final. no exchanges, no refunds, and no second trials.
Spike: Do it already!
Demon: Ok. Shazam and doo-whop-de-dittley-whop-di-doo!
Spike: That's it?
Demon: That's it.
Spike: But I don't feel any different.
Demon: Doesn't matter. It's done. All finished. Bye-bye now.
Spike: But I'm still me.
Demon: Of course. You're what she sees when she looks at you. This here, is you. She sees you...... And them.
Demon motions to the left and we see William,
dressed in vintage "Randy wear", he's holding a leash that's attached
to a vamped out Spike that is dressed in the duster and hunched over like a
monkey, slobbering and snapping it's jaws, barking.
Demon: And him, of course...
Spike looks to the right and sees a version of
himself dressed in a gold chest plate, carrying a long spear, and wearing a
Helmet with horn that is obviously too big for his head. It rests on his ears,
making them stick out a bit, and moves around far too much.
Viking Spike: (Singing operatic) Kill the
Slayyyer, kill the Slayyyer! oh-
Demon: Don't forget this guy.
He steps out of the way to reveal a spike dressed
in a wife beater and flannel with stained jeans and a giant pot belly. He rests
a half emptied six-pack on his stomach.
Jerry Sringer Spike: Braaaaaaap! Beer?
Spike: She does not see that!
Demon: You sure? Then maybe she sees him.
He points to a dark corner of the cave and there
is a Spike hunched over, chin rested on knees. he is picking at the ground.
Spike takes a step closer to him and sees the hunched over form lift a worm and
pop it in his mouth.
Spike: What the-?
Woe-is-me Spike: She doesn't love us. She'll never love us. We're pathetic. Can't kill, can't feed...
Spike: This is not what I asked for.
Demon: this is what she sees when she looks at you. All of this. Plus him.
Spike look down to see a version of him self that
stands about three feet tall and is currently humping his leg.
Horny Spike: Ohm, yeah. uh, uh, uh, faster, ooo!
hiyah, how you doin? Oh, a little to the right, yeah, like that.
Spike: Get off!
Demon: Him too.
Just behind Spike he sees a version of himself
dressed in a tight shirt and slacks. Horny-Spike lets go of Spike's leg and
rushes the new arrival.
Horny Spike: Oh! Fresh leg!
Sex-machine Spike: Hey there! get off. Nobody goes near the mighty rocket, but Buffy.
Spike: Mighty rocket?
Sex-machine spike: The spitting cobra, rising loaf...
Sex-machine Spike: The love sausage...
Spike: Yeah, I get it. So... What am I supposed to do with all of these losers?
Demon: Whatever you want. They're you. Take them home with you, go on a vacation, play monopoly... just leave.
Spike: Or I could just kill them.
Demon: Uh... i wouldn't do that. They're all you. One of you dies, the rest of you dies.
Spike: So what happens to me, happens to them?
Demon: Equal experiences all around.
Horny-Spike: I'm geetting laid, I'm getting laid.
Jerry-Springer Spike: Hey, that means- Braaaap!- that I will too.
Woe-is-me Spike: We all would. This is horrible. i never get anything all to myself.
Spike: Who, hold on just a bleedin' s-
Viking-Spike: I'm getting laaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiid!
Spike: No! Nobody here's getting laid, but me! And not even me... not after...
Woe-is-me Spike: Nope. not ever again.
Sex-machine Spike: hey, cheer up chum. It's not as bad as it seems. She just needs a few sprinkles from the magic wand, if you get my meaning, and she'll be right as rain. We'll be back to touching h-
All of them grab their stomachs and bend at the
middle. They groan and moan in one big group orgasm.
All: Ahh, ohhh, errggh. ahh!
Spike: What the bloody hell was that?
William: Sorry. He pictured touching her, uh... and I've never seen one before.. and I... sorry.
Spike: Ok, we can't go back to Sunnydale now.
Sex-machine Spike: What?
Spike: It's in California. Have you seen the way girls dress there? We'll have a hard enough time making it out of the village in the dark with little Willy can't last in tow.
Jerry-Springer Spike: We could blindfold him.
William: I am not walking around blindfolded like some kind of invalid.
Spike: Luscious creamy breasts in the sunlight, gently rubbing oil into-ah-ah-ahoughsgsgghhh.
They all bend again making the O face.
William: Stop that!
Spike: See what I mean?
Horny-Spike: (clapping hands) Do it again, do it again, do it again.
Spike: We have to blindfold him. Hold him down.
Sex-machine Spike: Right.
Jerry-Springer Spike:I'm on it.
Viking-Spike: Baaaack to Sunnydaaaale, oh baack toooo suuunnnnydaaaaaaale!
Beast-Spike: Ambagurbach cha-ruff!
Spike: Uh... yeah... (Looking uncertain)
The camera opens on a dimly lit, rather hazy
Bronze, roving around. We see the band play, we see couples dancing, drinking,
talking, playing pool. The camera weaves between two dancing groups and settles
on a table where a couple is sitting, leaning toward each other. We can see that
it is Dawn and some guy. The Scoobies are nowhere to be seen. Dawn is making
with the googly eyes. And playing with the straw in her soda.
Dawn’s date: I can’t believe your sister’s making you go home by nine.
Dawn: Believe it, Jim, lots of creepy crawlies out.
Cut to camera’s eye view somewhere else in the
Bronze. We are at crotch level as the camera starts moving forward at high
speed, weaving in and out of the way of dancing couples, between legs and under
tables. In the background we hear the grunting noises that Gremlins make.
Cut back to Dawn leaning in closer to her date,
Cut back to Grunting creature, we speed between a
tall brunette’s legs and see a flash of her trying to pull her skirt closed,
we hear a quick, “Hey!”
Cut to Dawn’s table.
Jim: Guess we’ll just have to take advantage of the time we have.
Dawn: Sounds good.(She leans in a little more)
Cut to crotch level camera. It is turning past a
guy doing his best to dance, but just looks like a monkey on crack, and then
through a tunnel vision of three or four tables in a row we see Dawn’s table.
The camera stops for a second and then begins creeping forward slowly. The Jaws
theme starts up.
Jim: Make good use.
Dawn: (Breathy) Yeah…(Leans in more, their lips
Jim: You’re beautiful.
Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
Dawn: Just kiss me already.
Cut to close up of the two of them. They’re
having a nice romantic teen moment, one of those taking far too long to get to
the actual kiss moments, and in the background, getting louder by the second the
Jaws theme is speeding up. Just as their lips meet Jim suddenly jumps away.
Jim: What the F-!?
Voice from below the table: Oh, yeah! Like that! Who’s your daddy? Come on, mate, Say it! Who’s your daddy?
Jim: What the hell? Ahh! (Hopping back and trying to shake something off his leg)
Voice from below the table: I am! Say it! Call me daddy! Oh, just like that!
Jim: Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!
Dawn: (standing up and leaning across the table to see) What?… What’s- Spike?!
Horny-Spike: Huh? Ack! Um… Bye-bye! (he squeaks out and then runs away, weaving through the crowd to disappear)
Jim: What the hell was that? You knew him?
Dawn: Um…. I gotta go. (She backs away from the table before turning and heading toward the door)
Jim: What? Dawn, wait. Wait! Aw, man, and these were new pants, too.
Title credits and all that.
Next we see Buffy standing over the dining room
table, staring down at two pieces of paper, each sitting on top of an envelope.
The paper on the right is a nice cream stationary, and the envelope is embossed
with a rose on it. Next to the envelope is a blood red glass rose. The paper on
the left is the white and blue wrapper for a quarter pounder with cheese, and
the envelope has someone else’s address on it(it has been crossed off, with *bufy*
written above in scribbles). There are dirty finger smudges on the crumpled
envelope and it has been torn open, the previous mail dumped out. Beside it is a
weed that has been pulled out of the ground, dirt clumps still attached to the
roots. Buffy has a definite frown on her face. She’s about to pick up the
papers and read them again when Dawn bursts through the door. She looks around
kind of wildly for a second before settling on Buffy.
Dawn: Ok that was weird.
Buffy: Dawn, you know anything about this?
Buffy: This. (She thrusts the two papers in Dawns direction. She takes them and reads, we see over her shoulder.
The first note, on the nice stationary, in
Your eyes are winter fire
Scorch away the night.
An aureole, a burning pyre
Giving way to light.
I’ll see you in my dreams
When my eyes I’ve rested close
You’re love to me it beams
From my head down to my toes (this is scratched out)
It beats and never slows (this is scratched out too)
A match only heaven knows.
The second note, on the hamburger wrapper:
(A crude smiley face is drawn below this)
Dawn: Um… no idea. But I think Spike’s Back.
Cut to Willy’s. Jerry-Springer-Spike is sitting at the bar.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: I said, gimme a beer.
Willy: I think you could stand to miss a few.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Come again?
Willy: Uh, no offence, Spike, but you know, you kinda look like you packed on the pounds while you were away.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: ‘Scuse me?
A demon to his left: He said you’re fat.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Am not! If anything I’ve lost a few. (Pats his belly appreciatively) I’m right sexy.
Willy: Uh, yeah.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Come on mate, I need some courage in a bottle, got me a slayer to win ba-aahaahagrgrgpohlsleooooohhhhh! (He slumps over the bar breathing heavy. Willy leans in to check on him and he pops up again) Arrgghh! William!
Cut to William. He has Beast-Spike on a leash and
is leaning against a wall holding his midsection.
William: Did you see that? Ladies wear that? No,
*Ladies* certainly don’t wear that. That… That was… was… Revealing. So
Beast_Spike lets a howl and crumples up.
William: Those were practically unmentionables.
No, they were more revealing than unmentionables. We need to get indoors. I
should have kept my blindfold. I should have-
Cut to crypt. Spike is leaning against the wall
trying to catch his breath.
Spike: Glued the sodden blindfold to his sodden
Clem: You alright, man?
Woe-is-me-Spike: Nothing will be alright ever again.
Spike: Do I look alright? I’m like a bloody teenager, goin’ off every five minutes. Sooner or later that git William’s going to walk into an Aerobics place and my head’ll explode. Speakin’ of, I can’t even keep myselves rounded up. All gotta go off on their own.
Clem: That’s not so bad. Maybe they just need some time to themselves.
Spike: Not so bad? All the worst elements of my personality are out wandering the streets of Sunnydale, ‘cept for him-
Woe-is-me-Spike: I’ve got nothing better to do.
Spike: So how long’ll it be before one of me pisses somebody off and I get dusted?
Clem: Hmm… Good point, you are pretty good at that.
Woe-is-me-Spike: They’re probably all crowding Buffy’s porch as we speak. All but me. I never get included.
Spike: Bloody hell. I haven’t even had the chance to apologize yet.
Woe-is-me-Spike: We should find them. To Buffy’s then?
Spike: You really think even they would be stupid enough to go there?
Cut to Buffy’s Bedroom Horny-Spike is busy
taking handfuls of underwear out of Buffy’s drawer and shoving them in his
Cut to front lawn. Sex-machine-Spike and
Viking-Spike are out on the lawn beneath the tree.
Sex-machine-Spike: Oh, mighty warrior, or great
fighting stock, might I inquire, what’s got you up?… Spike?
Viking-Spike: I’m going to kill the slaaayyyer!
Sex-machine-Spike: Oh, mighty warrior it will be quite a task, how will you do it, might I inquire to ask?
Viking-Spike: I will do it with my spear and magic helmet.
Sex-machine-Spike: Spear and magic helmet?
Viking-Spike: Spear and magic helmet.
Sex-machine-Spike: Ahh… The love sausage.
Viking-Spike: No. Spear.
Sex-machine-Spike: Hey, call it what you like. They all scream the same in the end, but you don’t need a magic helmet.
Viking-Spike: No magic helmet?
Sex-machine-Spike: No magic helmet. Vampire remember? The joy cannon Fires loud, and fires strong, but the bullets are blanks.
Viking-Spike: Ahhh… Aha! That was the Buffy!
(We see Buffy heading up the stairs to her room)
Sex-machine-Spike: Well then head on up there and show her what you’re made of. (Stops Viking-Spike by grabbing him on the shoulder) But not too much, eh? Save a little for the Sex-machine. Ah, who am I kidding? Give it your best shot, just tell her I’ll be up to finish what you couldn’t. got the incredible Hulk pumped full o’ that orgasma radiation, if you know what I’m saying.
Viking-Spike: Kill the Slayyyer! Kill the Slayyerr!
Dawn: (Coming out the front door) Spike, is that you?
Sex-machine-Spike: uh, yeah. Hey, Nibblet. Hmm… Why does that sound dirty when I say it?
Dawn: Why are you out here singing… in costume?
Sex-machine-Spike: I’m not. He is.
Dawn: Who’s Ahhh! Oh my God! There’s two of you.
Sex-machine-Spike: Well, actually…
(there is a scream from upstairs and an angry *Spike!* And then a body comes crashing through the tree limbs and lands in front of Sex-machine-Spike. Horny-Spike Hops up, underwear coming out of his pockets, and a nice little red number tight on his head like a swimcap. He grins and giggles, then yelps and turns to run away. He runs right into William who is arriving with Beast-Spike in tow.)
William: I beg your pard- You!
Horny-Spike: Leg! (Immediately latches on to William’s leg and goes to town.)
William: Ahh! Get off! Let go!
Horny-Spike: Call me daddy. Say my name, Bitch!
(Dawn is gaping at this display, trying to figure
out why there are so many Spikes when the real Spike leaps onto the porch from
the side and stops next to her, planting his hand on her shoulder.
Woe-is-me-Spike ambles up next to him)
Spike: Nibblet. Thank God I got here before-…
Before… Bloody hell.
William: Get off you disgusting little-
(He tries to Push Horny-Spike away by his head, and the red panties come off in his hand.
William: What’s this?
Woe-is-me-Spike: Oh, dear.
Spike: What? (He looks up and sees Buffy stomping through the front door, eyes burning, a stake held firmly in each hand.) Oh, well this isn’t good.
(William has managed to unfold the panties and
has stretched them out to study them. His eyes go wide)
William: (Sharp intake of breath) Oh my!
Spike; Now, Buffy, I can
expla-aay-ay-ay-aia-aye-aye-ayeeee!oh! (he collapses forward to the porch, as do
the other Spikes. Buffy continues to advance on him. There is a muffled
“Sorry.” From William)
And then the cheese cut out on me. Sorry.
But, cheers, for now,
Here you are, sorry about the wait.
Buffy rather skids to a halt, fingering her stake
loosely as she takes in the sight of seven Spikes all curled up on their sides
in various spots in her front yard.
Buffy: Umm… What just happened?
Spike: Well… you see, love, it’s like this-
Sex-machine-Spike: (Stepping forward) I swear that’s never happened to me before.
Woe-is-me-Spike: Well that’s a bald faced lie.
Sex-machine-Spike: Excuse me? Are you questioning my-
Woe-is-me-Spike: Might say that. (Adopting a bland American accent) Oh, Nadia, oh, oho-herk!
(All of the Spikes stare at him in confusion. So Does Buffy, but Dawn’s face is turning a bright shade of red)
Sex-machine-Spike: What are you on about.
Woe-is-me-Spike: The in-flight movie. African Pie, or some such nonsense? You know, the guy, with the foreign exchange student and the… on his bed… and bang right there in his shorts! Come on you had to have seen it! Hmph! Nobody ever shares my interests.
Buffy: Your interests are in-flight movies?
Woe-is-me-Spike: Oh, yeah, make fun. S’ all you ever do. That or beat my spirit to a small bloody pulp. So go right on, but I know they saw it. At least that part of the movie. I felt it.
Dawn: Felt what?
William: Oh! Right! I saw that part. I remember, with the camera on the computer, and the girl who-
All the other Spikes together: Don’t picture it!
William: Right. Sorry ‘bout that.
Sex-machine-Spike: Hmmm. Come to think of it I did see that bit, and I had the distinct impression I was feeling boob at some point.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: (Appearing out of nowhere behind Buffy) That was me.
Buffy & Dawn: Ahh!
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Thought I saw something on the wing had to wake her up and warn her.
William: By touching her-… oh my.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Hey, just doin’ my part to protect the greater good. (To Dawn) Sorry doll. Didn’t mean to startle you. I tend to move like the wind. (Slapping Buffy on the butt) Hey Spitfire, long time no see.
Spike: (getting to his feet) Shut up, you potted tub of lard. You’re going to get me killed.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Or laid. I’m leaning toward laid.
Dawn: um… eww.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Trust me. This stomach? The ladies love it. It’s like a pheromone pouch.
Woe-is-me-Spike: Ah, yes, the tequila pheromone. Rare, but potent.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Or happy Buddha. Rub the Buddha’s belly… then rub the Buddha’s-
Spike: Hey! Children Present!
Sex-machine-Spike: No, I like where he’s going with this.
Spike: Slayer, can we go somewhere and talk?
At the word “Talk” Horny-Spike seems to lose
interest in the proceedings and starts patting at his pockets.
Horny-Spike: Hmm. Know I left Cigarettes
somewhere in…hmmm… (To William) hold these. (He starts taking panties out of
his pockets by the handfuls and placing them in Williams’s hands. Most of them
fall to the lawn, but a particularly sheer thong stays in place hanging on his
Buffy: And why should I?
Spike: I need to explain some things. I nee-uh-eeed- Bloody Hell! Ohhhharf!
(All the Spikes fall over again)
Spike: That’s it, the poet dies!
Viking-Spike: Kill the poet! Kill the pooooeeet!
Horny Spike: Don’t kill the poet. (Gets up and ambles over to Buffy)
William: Hey, now. Helpless poet here.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Aww, look at me, getting’ all misty here.
William: Uh… guy with glasses here?
(Horny-Spike taps Buffy on the arm and motions
her to lean forward)
Horny-Spike: hey, you should show him…(Whispers
in her ear)
Buffy: What?! (She punches him and he sails into the wall. He gets back up, shaking his head and grumbling then walks over to Dawn.
Horny-Spike: Hey, you should-
Buffy: Don’t even think about it, runt. (Hauling him back by his collar.
Horny-Spike: Ah! Hey! Lemme go!
William: Hey, now! I couldn’t help it. Have you
seen what she wears?!
Sex-Machine-Spike: Huh. The ponce has a point there.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Yeah, had a problem with that once or twice my self.
Woe-is-me-Spike: You did?
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Well, (Motioning to Spike) He did. Don’t mean I don’t remember it.
Buffy: You had trouble controlling yourself when you saw me in that?
Spike: I… Well… that is… er… give me a minute.
(The Spikes all form a huddle and there is a
buzzing noise as they mumble back and forth to each other. Then they all
straighten up and turn to Buffy.)
Woe-is-me-Spike: Most definitely.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Like being a thirteen-year-old in the back room of a whorehouse.
(There is silence)
Woe-is-me-Spike: Not sure you should’ve used
Viking-Spike: Poor taste and all.
Jerry-Springer-Spike: Oh, right then. Like, uh… thirteen-year-old in the loo discovering him-
Woe-is-me-Spike: Stop right there!
Spike: What he means to say, love, is that you’re right sexy.
Horny-Spike: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah! (He is
flexing his hands open and closed as he advances behind Buffy, his fingers
aiming for her bottom)
Sex-machine-Spike: Aye. Like a goddess. Strong
(There is a scream from behind the group)
Spikes: (turning) Huh?
Willow: Stop screaming.
Xander: Ahhhhh! One beer! One beer! You saw me, Will. I had one beer. And I ate nachos. There should not be Spikes. One Willow. See? One Willow. One Buffy. One Dawn. And… and… Spikes! Lots and lots of Spikes! I- ehhhhh. (His eyes roll back in his head and he flops to the ground)
Spike: Careful. Mighty warrior, that one.
(Screen goes to black then we are treated to a
view of the sky. The camera goes black as the eyes we see the sky through
Willow: Right here. (her face moves into his field of vision)
Xander: Buffy? Dawn?
Buffy: I’m here.
Dawn: Me too.
(There is no response. Xander breathes a sigh of
Xander: So it was just some crazy dream.
Spike: (Popping into view) Sorry, what?
Sex-machine-Spike: I don’t understand him either.
Woe-is-me-Spike: I’m telling you, the boy mumbles.
(He makes as if to get up, looks down and sees
Horny-Spike curled around his leg)
Horny-Spike: Was it good for you?